Every Color of the Rainbow: Supporting Your Child’s Identity Exploration
When I talk to parents about how to support their children through adolescence, one of the topics that often brings the most confusion, fear, and tenderness is sexuality. As a queer person myself, this is a topic that is close to my heart.
Many parents express deep love and openness toward their children, but still feel unsure about what to say or do when their child begins to explore or express a sexual identity that feels unfamiliar, unexpected, or just new. They worry about saying the wrong thing. They worry about their child being hurt, bullied, or misunderstood. They worry about whether their child’s identity is “real” or just “a phase.” They worry about not being worried—but then worry that they should be.
All of these reactions are understandable. Parents are navigating their own emotions while also trying to be steady for their child. It’s okay to feel uncertain. What matters most is your child’s experience of your support, and the message that no matter what, they are loved, valued, and safe with you.
As a queer therapist, I want to say this clearly: your child doesn’t need you to have all the right language or the perfect reaction. They need to know that they’re loved without condition. That your love isn’t something they have to earn by staying the same.
Identity is Not Just About a Label
Many kids and teens who are exploring their sexuality don’t have all the answers right away—and they’re not supposed to. I tell the parents that I work with often, about many topics: exploration, curiosity, and not knowing everything is developmentally appropriate behavior for teens. They may try out different labels, move fluidly between identities, or reject labels altogether. This exploration is not attention-seeking or confusion—it’s growth.
Instead of asking, “Is this permanent?” try asking, “What does this mean to you right now?” or “How can I support you as you figure things out?”
Remember: questioning is a valid part of identity, and so is not having a clear answer. You supporting your child throughout this process, wherever they are in it, will mean more than you could know.
Your Child Isn’t Telling You Everything—And That’s Okay
It’s natural to want to protect your child, especially when the world can be cruel. But often, kids share just a slice of what they’re thinking or feeling. That doesn’t mean they’re hiding something or being dishonest. As I discussed extensively in a previous post, children are often reticent to share some things with their parents; that’s why, if it is going well, you may not know exactly what is going on in your child’s therapy! This does not mean that they do not trust you; it just means that they are becoming their own person.
So if your child says they’re bisexual, or unsure, or dating someone of the same gender, try not to treat this as a final destination or a full biography. It’s just a window into what they’re processing at the moment. Your job isn’t to get the full story all at once—it’s to keep the door open for more stories to come. Be open, but not pushy.
What to Say (And Not Say)
One of the biggest fears my kids express in therapy is, “What if my parents don’t understand me?” Or, “What if my parents think I’m crazy?” The truth is, you don’t need to understand every part of your child’s identity to love and affirm them. Often, kids have told me that the most validating reaction I have when they share something with me which feels frightening to reveal is a calm, measured interest. With your child, you just need to be present, curious, and willing to listen. When in doubt, thank them for sharing or ask open ended questions.
For example, some things to say:
“Thank you for trusting me with this.”
“You don’t have to have everything figured out right now.”
“I love you no matter what.”
“I’m here if you ever want to talk more.”
Some things to avoid (even if well-intended):
“Are you sure?” (This can feel invalidating, even if meant gently.)
“It’s just a phase.” (If it is, they’ll figure that out themselves.)
“You’re too young to know.” (Kids are often very aware of their feelings, even if they don’t always have the vocabulary for them.)
“What will other people think?” (This shifts the focus to fear instead of support.)
Navigating Your Own Emotions
If you’re struggling with your child’s disclosure—because of your own upbringing, cultural beliefs, or fears for their safety—that’s okay. Your feelings are valid, too. But those feelings are yours to process, ideally with a therapist, trusted friend, or support group—not on your child’s shoulders.
Your child shouldn’t have to parent your reaction. They need you to be the calm in the storm, not another wave.
Small Actions Speak Loudly
You don’t need to make grand gestures to show support. Sometimes, it’s the smallest things that matter most:
Using the name or pronouns they’ve asked for
Correcting others when needed
Including LGBTQ+ books, shows, or role models in your home
Showing curiosity without judgment
These signals tell your child: “You matter here. You belong here. I’m with you.”
And If You’re Not Sure What to Say…
Say that. Say, “I don’t always have the right words, but I want you to know how much I care.”
Say, “I’m learning, and I appreciate your patience.”
Say, “I’m so glad you told me.”
Because more than anything, what your child wants to know is this: that they can come to you and be met with love, not fear. That they can be themselves and still belong.
As a queer clinician, I know personally how powerful it is to be seen and supported—especially by family. It makes a world of difference. If you’re not sure how to navigate this moment with your child, you don’t have to do it alone. We offer a warm, affirming space for children, teens, and their families to explore identity, ask questions, and grow together.
Feel free to Contact Us to learn more.